


The Way I Am

by Claudii85



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Asexual Raphael Santiago, Coming Out, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 15:50:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11405604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claudii85/pseuds/Claudii85
Summary: Raphael knew he was going to have to talk to Simon soon. Things had been getting more serious between them in the past few weeks and if Simon couldn't accept his asexuality and wanted to break up with him, Raphael thought it would hurt less now than later. Raphael knew it would hurt no matter how long they had been together but he was trying to convince himself.





	The Way I Am

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say that I based Raphael's asexuality on mine. I know that not all asexual are the same or feel the same. 
> 
> This is a prompt I received on Tumblr, "can we just watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch."
> 
> Title comes from the song The Way I Am by Tove Lo
> 
>  
> 
> _Yeah, I'm fallen in love_  
>  And I hope that you want me  
> The way that I am!  
> Fallen in love  
> And I know I can't change me  
> Do you understand?
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoy it.

Raphael knew he was going to have to talk to Simon soon. Things had been getting more serious between them in the past few weeks and if Simon couldn't accept his asexuality and wanted to break up with him, Raphael thought it would hurt less now than later. Raphael knew it would hurt no matter how long they had been together but he was trying to convince himself.

His phone rang, startling him. Simon. Raphael took a deep breath and answered.

“Hey Simon.”

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Studying, why?”

“My mom is working late, so this means I have the house to myself. Do you maybe wanna come over?”

Raphael’s breath caught in his throat. This awfully sounded like an invitation to...take the the next step in their relationship. He didn't know what to answer.

“We can order pizza and watch movies,” added Simon.

“Yeah okay, I’ll be there in an hour.”

Raphael threw his phone on his bed and sighed. He would need to talk to Simon tonight.

At 6pm he parked his car in front of Simon’s house, he took his overnight bag from the passenger seat and got out of his car. Simon was waiting for him in the doorway, smiling from ear to ear. 

Raphael plastered a smile on his face and he hope it looked sincere. He was so nervous he was almost shaking. He tried not to think about the conversation he needed to have with his boyfriend.

“Hey babe,” Simon greeted him and placed a small kiss on Raphael’s cheek. He took Raphael’s bag from his shoulder and entered the house. Raphael followed Simon inside, he removed his shoes and sat on the couch.

“Let me go put that in my room. Pizza should be here in about 20 minutes. I ordered the pizza with extra pepperoni, extra cheese, no mushroom. I hope this is okay for you. Make yourself comfortable. You can set Netflix if you want. See if there is anything good…”

“Simon! You're rambling,” said Raphael, looking at Simon curiously. 

Simon almost never did that anymore, only when something was botherin him or if he was nervous.

“Simon, what’s going on?”

Simon sighed and joined Raphael on the couch, leaving the overnight bag forgotten at the bottom of the stairs.

“I kind of need to talk to you about something and I don’t know where to start. That’s why I invited you over. In my head everything was perfectly clear but now my nerve took the control and my mind is all over the place and…”

Raphael took his boyfriend’s hands between his in a reassuring gesture.

“Simon, are you...are you trying to break up with me?”, asked Raphael, trying to keep his voice from trembling.

“Oh god no! I love you, breaking up with you is the last thing I wanna do,” exclaimed Simon.

Simon seemed to realized what he had just said, his eyes going comically wide. Clearly he hadn't planned to confess his love right now.

“Good thing we cleared that up,” said Raphael, “because I love you too.”

Simon grinned and placed a chaste kiss on Raphael’s lips. Surprising himself and Simon, Raphael deepened the kiss a little. He and Simon didn't kissed like that very often because Raphael was always afraid it would send the wrong message. After a few minutes, Raphael put his hand on Simon’s chest and broke the kiss.

“Is everything okay?”, asked Simon.

“Yes, yes but you said you needed to talk to me and I have to talk to you about something so…”

“Oh yeah, I have, well, I had a question for you but the kiss kinds confused me and I know I still have to ask but I fear you might not take it well, I don’t know…”

“Simon, you're rambling again,” said Raphael fondly.

“I know okay, I know! Anyway, I want you to know that you can say everything to me and you never have to be scared of my reaction. And no matter what you will answer, it won't change the way I feel about you. 

Raphael felt his heart swell, suddenly Raphael felt a little bit less scared. Maybe he was scared for nothing. 

The doorbell rang, cutting Simon’s speech. Simon took his wallet on the coffee table and answered the door. After paying the delivery man he disappeared in the kitchen with the pizza box. He reappeared a few minutes later, carrying two plates and two cans of soda. He set everything in front of them. Simon took a bit of his slice immediately and burned the roof of his mouth. Raphael chuckled lightly. Simon always did that and after he spent the night complaining about how much his mouth was hurting.

“Don’t try to stall the conversation by hurting yourself,” teased Raphael.

“Not what I’m trying to do.”

“Sorry if I don’t believe you.”

Raphael opened his soda and took a sip at the same time Simon asked, “are you asexual?”

Raphael choked on his sip and started coughing violently, surprised by Simon’s question. It was the last thing he thought Simon was gonna ask. 

“Oh my god! I am so sorry, I didn't want to almost kill you with my question. It’s just, I noticed things, like we’ve been dating for 6 months and we never took our relationship further. Except for a few kissed here and there. That’s why it confused me a little when you deepened the kiss. You never initiate anything but I thought maybe you were not ready so I didn't pushed. But, I got curious and I found this page about asexuality and I thought, well maybe…”

Raphael opened his mouth to answer but Simon held his finger in front of Raphael’s mouth.

“No please, let me finish. I really need you to know that whatever you're going to answer, it doesn't matter. I love you and it’s not about sex. I care about you and yeah…”

“Can I speak now?”, asked Raphael.

Simon nodded.

“Okay well, funnily enough, what I needed to tell you is that I am asexual. I was really scared of your reaction and I had honestly no idea how to tell you.”

“You’re kidding me!”

“Do you have any questions? Knowing you, you probably have a thousands questions going through your mind.”

Simon let out a little laugh.

“How do you feel about kissing? I mean, I know we kissed a few times but I want to be sure you are really comfortable about it. And how do you feel about the sex? Are you repulsed by it or are you just indifferent about it? Have you always been like that? Can I touch you, I mean can I hold you in my arms, can we cuddle? How do you feel about sleeping in my bed, with me?”

It was Raphael’s turn to laugh. 

“Okay, I didn't think you would really have a thousand questions.”

“Sorry”, answered Simon sheepishly. 

“Don’t be, I am happy you are asking, I’m happy you care enough to ask. About kissing, I am obviously okay with it but only sometimes. Like when you told me you loved me, I felt a burst of affection and I really needed to kiss you at that moment. For the sex, I am not repulsed by it, I just don’t care about it. Yes I have, as far as I remember, always been asexual. And you can definitely hold me in your arms and cuddle the shit out of me. Oh and I trust you so I have no problem with sharing a bed with you.”

Simon smiled softly.

“I’m really happy we had this conversation. And I’ll probably have some more questions later. I want you to tell me if I ever do something that makes you uncomfortable. “

“Don’t worry, I will.”

Raphael closed the gap between them and pressed a gentle kiss to his boyfriend’s lips.

“I think the pizza has gone cold.”

“I’ll go put our slices in the oven, it’ll be ready in five minutes.”

When Simon came back to the living room he sat close to raphael, their thighs touching.

“How do you feel about watching a movie and falling asleep on the couch?”

“That sounds perfect.”

-FIN-

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. Kudos and comments are always welcome and appreciated ♥


End file.
